Oh Father’s day. The one day of the year where we pretend to care about the fathers of the world just as much as we care and praise our mothers. Before I go on, can we just agree that Father’s Day has turned into a day of consumeristic bullshit where people are more excited about what sort of deal they’ll get at Macy’s...in the name of honoring dads? I mean, pretty much all holidays are consumer driven at this point. Mother’s Day gets a bit of a better reputation; because we do a better job at feeding mom bullshit than we do dad. Anyway, I’m not here to crap all over national holidays. I’m here to to give you five pointers on actually making Father’s Day about the man in your life you call “Dad”.
1) Tell (Show) Him You Love Him.
Sounds redundant, right? Well you’re fucking wrong. Your dad may have thick skin, he may have a stern face and look like he’s constantly disappointed in your lifestyle choices over and over—but your dad isn’t so stern as to not want to hear you say “I love you” or feel loved by you. We have this incredibly dangerous idea that men aren’t sensitive, that they don’t need the same love and adoration everyone else on the planet needs to feel loved and appreciated. Yet, we want to be equal. The fuck sort of logic is that? That couldn’t be further from the truth. Men are big ass babies who stomp their feet when they don’t get their way or when they feel upset or insecure about…well, anything! Help your dad feel secure in his abilities as your father. Show him he’s turned you into a productive member of society (even if you aren’t). Show him you take pride in being his child and feel honored to have him in your life. Let your dad know you love him. Especially while he’s still here. Don’t just tell him; the phrase “I love you” is just that, a phrase. SHOW your dad you appreciate him. Let him know his hardwork and sacrifices paid off. Even if your dad is the coldest, strictest, man from southern Alabama who’s not said a word since his third tour in Vietnam, it’ll melt his heart and is likely exactly what he hopes you will do.
2) Be Transparent with Him.
There is so much I wish I could share with my dad. Boys, work, student loans! My dad was so dope, you could talk to him about anything and he wouldn’t judge, or make you feel worthless. Perhaps this is why I found it so difficult to be transparent with my dad. Like many dumb ass teens, I was embarrassed by some of my choices and didn’t want my dad to know I was out here being a knucklehead. NOT listening. NOT behaving like I knew better. I legit wish I had the time over because I would’ve told him everything and he would have given his advice and loved me just the same, not an ounce less. I learned this shortly after his death, when talking with my little sister about how she opened up to him and how they developed a relationship closer than the one she shares with our mother. A few of my brothers confirmed her statements about our dad and I felt hopeless I’ll never be able to share that with him. Ever. One of my regrets is not being able to say I had that sort of relationship with him, especially knowing now, how accepting and relatable he was.
3) Give Him Room to Grow.
Your dad isn’t perfect. Just like your mom isn’t perfect. For some reason, perhaps due to inequality, men are held to an outrageous standard; their parental mistakes follow them and effect everything from the relationship they have with their child to court ordered visitation (or no visitation, for many men). Men get the short end of the stick when it comes to this whole parenting thing, it’s the reality. I would never diminish the contributions of mothers out there, especially mothers who play both roles, but as women, we have to better. Women are allowed to make mistakes and error all the time yet those errors go largely unnoticed and we don’t speak about them. Women are allowed to feel vulnerable enough to make a parenting mistake, and not even have to think about how it will effect their relationships with their children or whether or not they can see their children. Men, not so much. Give men the space to grow, make mistakes, and most importantly, don’t hold his mistakes against him. Realize that part of him growing into the super-hero dad we want him to be is having the freedom to be human in a role for which there is no manual. And don’t add other factors in like socio-economic challenges, single-parent households, etc to the mix. Understand that just like there is no perfect mother, and women are legit doing the best they can—the same goes for fathers. Society tells men not to be vulnerable, to be tough, strong, and perfect, without blemish. Unless your dad is Christ himself (which he ain’t), give him room to grow into his role.
4) Fire up the grill
In case you haven’t noticed, I hate double standards. Like, why does mom get breakfast in bed and “the day off” on HER day but dad is outside slaving away on the grill on HIS day. And it’s not just the grill. It’s yard work,cleaning gutters, power washing the roof—since when did father’s day become synonymous with Honey-Do lists? Get the fuck outta here with that. Father’s day comes around absent football, so it’s not like he can kick up his feet and watch the game. It’s usually hot as shit outside (it’s uncomfortably hot here). So what gives? Get off your ass and help out! Take your dad out to eat, or if your father prefers to dine in, slap on an apron and get to grillin’ for your old man. He’ll thank you; it’ll give him and opportunity to actually enjoy Father’s Day, and it may be a bonding experience between you and your dad.
5) Make time for him while he’s here.
We all get busy, I’m 27 and cannot keep my head attached for more than two seconds without troubling myself with what’s next. I remember my dad asking me to come home to visit more often and all of the excuses I would give him. At the time, I thought they were legitimate reasons not to come home. I was busy, job scouting, student loans! It is no joke!
I didn’t know he would die three years later. We can sit here all day crawling over all the “if I’s”, “I should’ve done this” and “I would’ve changed that”, but it doesn’t change anything. It’s too late. My father died from lung cancer and never smoked. Yeah. Shit got real. The night before he passed I was supposed to drive up to see him but I was…
ARE YOU READY?
…too tired. I made the trip the next day, and he died roughly 30 minutes after I got there. See what I mean? He died holding my hand, and I couldn’t have imagined the pain, the outbursts, the fighting, the strife that was to follow in the months to come. Now, just shy of 10 months after losing him, my family is stronger than ever, we’re all slowly finding our place in this world without him. It’s tough. It’s not fun. Sitting here all fatherless, on Father’s Day. I almost drenched my computer writing this because the tears fall. Even if you're past the “grief” and depression, even if you’ve found a way to get through your daily routine without crying, the loss stays with you, and you feel it everyday.
So to make what was supposed to be a lighthearted Father’s day post lighthearted again, respect your dad’s day. It’s the only day society gives him all year aside from his birthday. Make a big deal about your dad, shower him with complements, adoration, and tell him how much he means to you, how much he’s taught you and show him how great you are because of the role he’s played in your life. Before it’s too late.
- June 18, 2017
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